What Will You Tell Yourself in 20 Years?

Graduation time is upon us - so much has been learned, so much learning awaits. Some things are cool to learn, some not ~ I wish I’d learned more from others and spared myself a lot of pain. So, to my students (and friends & clients of all ages), here’s some advice that those of us who graduated in the 20th century wish we’d learned upon entering the ‘‘real world.” Please add some and share them with me!

• Show, don't tell;

• Know what you can, and can’t, control;

• Show up!! Be Present!! Don’t wait around for things to come to you!

• Use your skills & interests (you have more than you think) - the more you say it, the more you become it! Volunteer! Engage!

• Be your own best advocate - don’t wait for someone else - talk about your talents & victories;

• Don’t be afraid to fail - it’s a form of learning & applying … and it means you tried;

• You may be able to have it all - but not all at once;

• Just because you get along well with your peers, doesn’t mean you’ll be a good manager;

• It’s good to feel out of your depth - it means you’re learning;

• Talk to people, ask them about their stories, meet them where they are - and say Thank you!

• Be willing to take time ‘off’ your career path for a sabbatical if you want;

• Change on a dime by putting in a nickel;

• Experience!

• Love yourself and those around you;

• Be joyful - it’s more meaningful and lasting than being happy;

• Ask for help! Not knowing takes guts, courage and it’s how we learn;

• Say yes to more hard things than you want to do - grow your comfort zone;

• If you believe it can be awesome, it can;

• Don’t be surprised by your successes!

• Always do something for someone else, always give back;

• Be curious, open and skeptical;

• …

Trade Hubris for Humility

Salko ‘21, Kyra ‘20, Jake ‘20, me, Matt ‘18.5, Nate ‘19, John ‘21, Samanee ‘19

One of the reasons I love mentoring students is because it keeps me learning, exploring, questioning and challenging my beliefs – keeping me relevant and useful to the world (I hope!).  So, I’m sharing part of a wonderful conversation with one of my #BlueLobsters (mentees), Salko, a second year at Brown (front left at the “we ate all the” sushi table)

Salko

Deb – a question that’s been on my mind recently: How do you make it so you don’t become egotistic as you achieve more?

Deb

Ego: This is a hard one for sure!  I can tell you what’s worked for me (now that sounds egotistical 😂) !  

1. Have a questioning mind, so no matter how much you succeed and achieve (which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be proud of your accomplishments), there is always more to learn. I use the ‘learn’ more than ‘achieve’ because it shifts my brain to focus more on the ‘thing’ I’m doing than ‘me’, redirecting the emphasis;

2. Surround yourself with people who are as bright & brighter than you & want to have impact and ‘achieve’ - that’ll put you in your place! But don’t let that lead to lack of self-confidence - don’t compare yourself and feel you’re not as good - we all have our gifts & roles & timing in life;

3. Stay vulnerable - always be willing to admit you don’t know the answer and you need help - that allows others around you to feel free to vulnerable and also leaves you more open to learn.  Almost all the people I’ve met who are really the best in their field are not narcissistic - they are humble, eager to learn and eager to share…. it’s a matter of putting it into perspective.  Lesson? Trade Hubris for Humility!

“Trade Hubris for Humility”

Salko

I fear that by being surrounded by this "high-achieving energy", I'll be too focused on doing stuff and doing stuff and doing stuff all so I can be "successful and great" (or reach outlandish goals), but lose some genuine human connection and my relationships along the way (because I fear I won't pay much attention to them). Like I will lose interest to keep in touch with old friends and family members because "they're not doing things or interested in things that would bring my goals to fruition". Now how would you handle that?

Deb

So you’re worried you’ll become so obsessed with making a mark, having a huge impact (however you define that) that you won’t view time/relationships with people who aren’t doing (as) cool things or aren’t into helping you do your things (faster/better), as either equally or even somewhat as important as your ‘goals’?  Yup, that could happen. Yup, that’s kind of hypocritical.  And usually it happens slowly (like the boiled frog syndrome) so you’re not aware of it until it’s (almost) too late. How do you handle that? Well, a few things:

1. See #2 above – People!!!! Surround yourself with people who care a ton about you, who will hold you accountable to the values you’ve said matter to you, who uphold the same values in their own lives. People who remind you that your friends and family are not functions to serve and provide for you but to be with you, love you, accept you and enrich who you are AND as you should do likewise!  Also, depending on who the people are around you, they may want you to hold them accountable as well, which is a round-about way of holding yourself accountable;

2. Schedule time with old friends & family – time to facetime/video, email, text, visit in real life – this may sound trite but sometimes we need to do the basics – like blocking time in our calendar so we don’t forget.  It doesn’t mean we’re trivializing or demeaning the relationship, it means that it matters to us and we worry we’ll forget and so we make sure we don’t.  Remember, unfortunately, the day to day usually beats out the important for our attention. 

3. Oh! Remember to have fun - a lot of it! Helps to put things into perspective!

“Remember to have fun - a lot of it!”

Salko

I'm afraid of it changing into something I won't be able to predict! 

Deb

I changed into something I NEVER would have predicted and it’s been the BEST THING EVER!!