The Power of Asking

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I’ve been giving my “How to Network” talk lately which refers to this story, so I’m reposting it from my Harvard Business Review article - it is timeless. Vala is now at Salesforce, Twitter is X, and Sidney is still changing lives - the power remains.

One of the biggest assets in anyone’s life is a generous network. It is a gift that grows simply by sharing it. Think of it as the Law of Accelerating Returns — the more you share your network, the more people share it in return and the more the rate of sharing accelerates. For me, my network has literally and figuratively been a source of survival. For most of us, networks have played a critical role in our lives, whether we realize it or not.

I asked executive and super-networker Vala Afshar if he thought there were any common traits or patterns that could be ‘taught’ or encouraged for networking. We came up with a few unsubstantiated traits based on the people we know who are great connectors: 1) hard working (it does take work to network); 2) humble (now that’s pretty arrogant of me to say!); 3) quietly confident that connecting the people they introduce will result in something great even if it’s not yet clear; and, perhaps most importantly 4) who understand the power of the ask. For instance, Vala remembers arriving in America at age 10, escaping the 1979 Iranian Revolution not knowing any English, not blond and blue-eyed, and not stylishly clad. He also remembers the very few kids who overcame their shyness to ask him to play kickball — and how happy he was to be asked.

Too many of us worry that asking will appear self-serving, even if it’s not. We fear rejection. We fear looking stupid. Perhaps some of us actually fear hearing a “yes” — what would we do then? It’s tempting to say that asking takes courage. But really, think about it — what’s the worst that can happen? You’ll hear a “no.” No one’s going to throw you in jail. Let me share a brief story about a couple of normal (well, in their eyes) people and a kid to illustrate the Power of the Ask.

I first met Vala, CMO and CXO at New Hampshire-based Enterasys, on twitter and reached out to him, since his tweets seemed so spot-on to me. We conversed over email and twitter, sharing stories of our jobs and of eating lobster, which we both love. We met last September on my way up to Maine for my annual vacation. I was greeted at Enterasys’s headquarters like a long-lost relative — even including an epicurean delight of lobster salad. Needless to say, we really hit it off. I also learned that Enterasys provides network services to companies like the New England Patriots and the Boston Celtics.

Meanwhile, one of my mentees, Sidney Kushner, has been creating CCChampions, an organization that creates connections between professional athletes and children with cancer to provide a source of inspiration and excitement during a very trying time in children’s lives. To date, CCChampions is working with over 6,000 professional athletes plus health care professionals, child psychologists, local students and community partners. Sidney’s compassion, drive and entrepreneurial savvy are contagious.

But let’s face it — Providence, RI, where Sidney lives, is not exactly a professional sports powerhouse. Yet Boston is nearby! So, sucking up courage, I ask Vala if he’d talk to Sidney and, if willing, then introduce Sidney to the Celtics. What’s the worst Vala could say? No. And I’d perhaps look like a fool… but I’m very used to that. But Vala said that after about 5 minutes of talking to Sidney, he wanted help. Still, since the Celtics were a fairly new client, Vala was a bit nervous about making the ask. Nevertheless, he did, and a 30-minute discussion ensued in which the Celtics offered to honor Sidney as part of their Heroes Among Us program at their January 9th game in a special in-game presentation. Vala said he had goosebumps and when he told me, I certainly did. When the Celtics called Sidney, he was speechless — all he could do was text me, not even talk.

On January 9, 2013, because Sidney will be honored on the famous parquet floor of TD Garden, more kids suffering with cancer will have an opportunity for joy, inspiration and valuable distraction from their pain. As parents, both Vala and I can only imagine what this would mean to our children.

And let’s face it, Vala and I have gotten great great joy from bringing Sidney and the Celtics together — beyond expression, so perhaps it’s very selfish of us. And in the end, despite feeling awkward at certain moments, we really risked very little to help make this happen.

When we don’t use the “Power of the Ask” we are in essence saying “no” before the question has even been asked — saying no to opportunities that change our businesses, our organizations, ourselves…and actual lives. So even if it feels uncomfortable, look for even just a small way can you use the “Power of the Ask” in your network — for someone you work for, with or manage. Make this your year of the Law of Accelerating Returns.

What Works Better - Obedience or Commitment?

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I get to host an excerpt from Frank Sonnenberg’s new book, Leadership By Example.* All of Frank’s books and his blog are ‘must reads” and “must gives.” Follow him on Facebook and Instagram. You’ll be glad, and better, because you did!

 

It’s an age-old question: How do you motivate people to do what’s right? For instance, you want your employees to be industrious and effective contributors to your business and your kids to be thoughtful and productive members of society. But what’s the best way to achieve that goal — control or empowerment? In other words, what works better, obedience or commitment?

If you look up the word “boss” in the dictionary it is defined as “a person who exercises control or authority.” Some folks think the role of a boss is to tell people what to do. And, if folks don’t respond to your message, to tell them there will be consequences. It’s that simple. Or is it?

Following orders is a far cry from following your heart. 

Great Leaders Don’t Pull Rank

Think about the message you are sending when you proclaim, “I’m the boss,” “I know what’s best,” or “Just follow my orders — no questions asked.”

You’re implying:

  • I’m in control and you’re a nobody.

  • I don’t trust you to do it right.

  • You don’t get paid to think. Just do as you’re told. (Ouch.)

Then we’re surprised when employees don’t put their heart into their work, or kids have low self-esteem and habitually seek approval before doing anything. And of course, we conclude that they’re to blame.

Some folks think it doesn’t matter what management style you use as long as you achieve your goals. They assume that being an authoritarian, tyrant, bully, control freak (use any label you want) won’t come back to haunt you one day. That may ring true if being obedient is the same as being committed. But is it?

If you want obedience, get a dog.

Folks use several strategies to motivate people. (The first four tactics below assume that obedience produces results, while the last three practices value commitment.) Which of the following seven methods do you employ?

Pull rank. Some folks think their title makes them all-knowing and all-important — and that gives them the right to bark orders at others.

Prod with a carrot or stick. Some people reward folks for good behavior/performance and punish them if things deteriorate. They use raises, promotions, or grant additional authority as incentives, and punish people for disobeying orders or failing to achieve results.

Lay down rules and regulations. Some folks shepherd people by imposing voluminous rules and regulations. They enforce those policies by employing tedious manuals and red tape — overseen by bureaucrats. (Ugh!)

Show recognition. Some people treat others well to get what they want. They’re kind, courteous, and respectful IF you follow their orders.

The following practices assume that commitment is beneficial to obedience:

Involve and empower. People want to make a valuable contribution rather than be treated as a cog in the wheel. As such, encourage people to participate in the decision-making process so they buy into the strategy, rather than being told what to do.

Lead by example. Referent authority assumes that leaders inspire and influence others by exhibiting strong moral character and personal values rather than position alone. As such, they earn the trust and respect of others by living a life of honor and integrity.

Provide meaning and purpose. People want to believe in something greater than themselves. Help them understand that they are part of something special and can make a difference in the world.

Control Is an Illusion

What do you lose by being an authoritarian — and “beating” employees into submission — or being a control freak and micromanaging every little thing that your kids do?

The fact is that you denigrate their confidence and rob them of the feeling that comes from facing a challenge, overcoming an obstacle, and crossing the finish line after going all out.

Following orders doesn’t require thinking; just doing.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re a parent, manager, or leader of the free world, command and control will never outperform a team of people who are involved and committed to a cause.

Control is an illusion. Real power isn’t the result of controlling people; it’s created by empowering folks and forging commitment. By its very nature, there’s no need to force people into compliance; if you play your cards right, they’ll manage themselves. The fact is, when people follow orders, they go through the motions…but when they have a vested interest in the outcome, they follow their heart. So, don’t ask me whether obedience or commitment works better. I’ll leave that up to you.

 This post is excerpted from Leadership by Example: Be a role model who inspires greatness in others by Frank Sonnenberg © 2023 Frank Sonnenberg. All rights reserved.

 

Frank Sonnenberg is an award-winning author and a well-known advocate for moral character, personal values, and personal responsibility. He has written 10 books and has been named one of “America’s Top 100 Thought Leaders.” Additionally, his blog — FrankSonnenbergOnline — has attracted millions of readers and was recently named one of the “Top Self-Improvement and Personal Development Blogs” in the world and one of the “Best Inspirational Blogs On the Planet.” Frank’s newest book, Leadership by Example: Be a role model who inspires greatness in others, was released June 13, 2023.

Break the Model! How Challenging Status Quo Makes Lasting Impact

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I want to share the amazing work of Second Harvest Food Bank of North Central Ohio*. They are the epitome of how to create an amazing strategic plan that achieves their mission and vision in innovative ways will (hopefully) make them no longer needed. This is not about virtue signaling, but rather my admiration and respect for their foresightful planning, impact, and gratitude for their CEO, Julie Chase-Morefield and team.

Second Harvest Food Bank (SHFB) started as a small local food bank serving four rural counties west of Cleveland, Ohio, and is now THE community convener for sustainable ways to reduce hunger. Their mission "Grow hope in our region by creating pathways to nutritious food," and vision of "A brighter future for all by cultivating a healthy, hunger-free community" are being achieved because SHFB doesn’t think like a traditional food bank.

Unlike most food banks that focus on the needs of the organizations that distribute the food (food pantries), SHFB focuses on the needs, constraints, and daily contexts of actual community members who need food. They treat ALL community members with dignity and respect, without judgment or prejudice, because every human deserves dignity.

SHFB has piloted and validated innovative food distribution models, such as putting pantries in local public schools - a huge success. Kids take food home to their family for dinner and weekends, reducing hunger. When COVID hit, SHFB deployed mobile pantries, serving up to 30,000 households a month. The demand for mobile pantries still continues, with 10 to 12 distributions a month even now.

SHFB has several initiatives underway to sustainably reduce hunger, such as partnering with social, health, legal, housing, job, government, and education organizations in creating a downtown HUB in Sandusky, OH and piloting SNAP Outreach 2.0 to raise awareness and support the completion of applications in their region. They have established a county-wide Food Advisory Council with Lorain, OH, to increase access to and consumption of healthy food via a "Food as Medicine" platform with healthcare providers while increasing economic development through urban farm and retail expansion (aided by a USDA grant).

Despite a 40% increase in the need for food, increases in the cost of food and cuts in funding, SHFB remains optimistic that their initiatives will sustainably reduce food insecurity in their region. They’ve already started and made an impact. I have no doubt they will significantly increase food security - and the well-being and futures of those they serve. So, please click the links, look at their plan, learn from how they leverage the strengths of others in creating their initiatives. There is so much to learn! Don’t lose the opportunity!

 

*Yes, SHFB is a client, but it’s not clear who really benefits as I have learned so much from working with them and am such a better person for it.  Yes, I am in the video (ugh!) – and it’s all true – SHFB is a superb organization with excellent leadership.  No, you can’t hire them away, but yes, they are hiring - go work for them!