Don't Should On Yourself!
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Yayoi Kusama, I Want to Fly to the Universe (2020) at the New York Botanical Garden. Collection of the artist. Photo by Sarah Cascone.
This is co-authored by one of the first Blue Lobsters, Addie Thompson, my mentee, mentor, friend & brilliant podcaster at The Trail Ahead.
Should!! – how many times has someone said that to us? “You should start working on that report.” “You really should get in touch with them.” Worse, how many times do we tell that to ourselves‽‽ As if others don’t tell us enough, we do as well! Should – a prescriptive word in an un-prescriptive world.
“Should” holds society’s standards and expectations up to us as an inescapable mirror, one that’s been held up to Millennials, Gen-Zs and Gen-Alphas since they were in utero! “You should get all this on your resume.” “You should go to a good school.” “You should do everything you can to get the ‘right’ job.” And then we should on ourselves! “I should go for a run today.” “I should lose weight.” “I should do hours and hours of prep for that interview.” “I should join that group because it’s good for my career.” Says WHO?
Should is a socially acceptable way to judge others and ourselves. Who are we to say what someone else should or shouldn’t do (as long as it’s legal)? Addie learned the phrase “Don’t should on yourself” in college. She follows it rigorously (and Deb is learning to). It’s become a swear word for Addie. And Deb always says, “So where is it written that we ‘should’….?”
Edvard Munch, The Scream 1895
When we tell ourselves we should do something, who is really telling us we should? What ideal, unreasonable or inappropriate expectations are we holding ourselves to? And why? Why are we willingly letting ourselves be trapped, hemmed in, held hostage to standards and ideals that are wearing us out and causing mental and physical health issues? “Should” implies a world of scarcity, not abundance! If you should do this, then doing the not-should evokes a sense of closed doors, lost chances, permanent dead-ends. Ha! We know that’s NOT so! As Phuc Tran, a writer & educator, said, “should didn’t improve my past or my future, ‘should’ simply blinded me to what was because I was so fixated on what wasn’t.”
Should holds us up to an ideal (ours, society’s, someone else’s) we may not even want to achieve, perhaps one beyond our grasp or simply one we don’t want to grasp. It’s an exhausting way to live. You can never ‘should’ enough! For Addie, this realization has been powerful. She spent the pandemic at home in Maine instead of in her NYC apartment, a young single woman. She kept hearing (from herself, and also indirectly from others): “I should be living on my own, not in Maine with my dad.” “I should live in a different city with more of my friends.” “I should use this time differently.” Deb, fortunately got to spend most of the pandemic in Maine (and never asks why she Should be anywhere else), but kept thinking she “should use this time to get in shape;” “should learn a new language;” “should write a book.” Again …. SAYS WHO????
Living in a should-less world is freeing and powerful. It lets us be gentler on ourselves and others; more compassionate and understanding. It gives us the permission to follow interests and curiosity outside the should-stereotype, growing in ways that make us more positive, present, optimistic, interested and interesting. In a should-less world, “Could” implies possibility; “Would” implies causality; and “Might” implies curiosity!
So, what can we do to stop shoulding on ourselves? Erase ‘Should’ from our vocabulary! Stop saying it! To others, to ourselves. Addie offers an alternative to someone when they say the word (including, thankfully, Deb!). Erasing the word from our vocabulary shifts a scarcity mindset towards abundance and growth. It can decrease anxiety, relieve stress and keep us present. All with one word!! So, what are you waiting for? Don’t should on yourself!
